Somewhere along the way, "hey" became an acceptable opening line. So did "wyd" and a single emoji. Efficient, maybe. But it's hard to build anything on a message that took four seconds to write.
This isn't an argument for paragraphs. It's an argument for messages that show you actually read the profile, thought about it for a second, and wrote something only that person could reasonably be sent.
Why the one-liner became the default
When messaging ten people costs the same effort as messaging one, the math nudges everyone toward volume. Send enough "hey"s and one will land eventually — so why bother with anything more specific? It's a reasonable strategy for maximizing replies. It's a bad strategy for finding one that goes anywhere.
What a good message actually costs you
Here's the part that gets exaggerated: writing something specific doesn't take much longer than writing something generic. The gap is usually thirty seconds, not thirty minutes. What it costs is attention — actually reading the profile instead of scrolling to the message box.
A good message doesn't take longer to write. It takes longer to think of.
— worth the extra minute
Three ways to write a message worth answering
- Reference one specific detail from their profile — not the photo, something they said.
- Ask something that needs more than a yes or no.
- Skip the compliment about their looks — lead with curiosity instead.
The reply is where it actually starts
A good opener earns a reply. It doesn't earn much else on its own. What happens next — whether the conversation actually goes somewhere — depends on the same thing the first message did: whether anyone's paying real attention, or just keeping a thread alive.
None of this is complicated. It's just easy to skip when the app makes it so simple not to.
